Monday 25 July 2011

The Classifieds

"moving soon- call Pang 92236234
We undertake small n big moves.If u are moving house,or buying items online,we can help u to transport.
Pls call Pang-9223 6234 for discussion or assessment
pls give ample notice "

Well, we should be moving soon but if the wicked (I say wicked, incredibly incompetent is actually a more correct assessment) HR department of IBM have their way will be living in the post-modern, swimming pool capped stone henge forever.

Initially they gave us 10 funded days in a hotel to find somewhere to live. When the DFP argued they increased it to 14, telling him as they did that anyone 'of reasonable inteligence' would be able to find somewhere to live within 3 days in Singapore. We are clearly completely thundering idiots as it took us 5 days to find somewhere, a couple of days in negotiation and then a week for our equally foolish agent to do the paperwork necessary. However, all going well we were due to exchange tomorrow and then, hurrah! another fuck up from the incompetent dunderheads in the IBM HR department. (Believe me if I knew names and email addresses I'd be posting them here so anyone who wanted to could send their own abusive messages).

We had already decided to stay on at the hotel beyond the allowed days and charge it to IBM and argue the toss if necessary. This I think is fairly fair given that the DFP's first pay, or repayment of expenses he's already paid, and the 'moving allowance' they give to cover the costs of moving from one country to another was not due to go into his bank account until a few days after we were supposed to have moved out of the hotel.

We would have been all right to exchange contracts tomorrow and move in on Thursday. I had arranged for a van to drive around Singapore on Thursday collecting the various bits of furniture I've been buying and bidding for on places like singaporeexpat.com and craigslist. So far I've put down a deposit on a large, red velvet sofa (yes, I did buy the sofa) and a double bed. I had, and then lost a sofa bed (they decided it would fit in their new place after all), but am after another, and perhaps a dining table and chairs.

All these things had been carefully planned so that I could do them without the DFP being taken away from his important work. But now, because the HR department of IBM have so royally f****ed up he will have to  run around collecting cheques, going to banks and meeting estate agents instead of regenerating the fortunes of IBM in Asia Pacific.

All my careful planning was completely unnecessary. Somehow his pay, which was due to go into his bank account yesterday bounced out. I'm not quite sure why this has happened, but it seems the only thing they are able to do is send him a cheque which will be available tomorrow morning and therefore won't clear until Thursday 2pm, clearly far too late to exchange tomorrow.

In fact we've just shifted everything until Friday, annoying but there you go. Not the end of the world. Happily K**** the removals man is okay for Friday, and so are R**** and J**** the bed and sofa seller respectively. And we're just going to stay on here and IBM will have to foot the bill. Is it just me? Surely it didn't need to be this way? Anyhow, it will all be fine in the end.

Meanwhile I am constructing my application to a swanky performing arts college here. Keep your fingers crossed for me that I get it.

And to end with, one of my favourite ads....

"MOVING OUT SALE - tv stand, computer desk, chest, dining table, etc. - SGD100 (Near Serangoon MRT)
I am selling a TV stand, computer desk with shelving, small chest of drawers, big chest of drawers, and a dining table with 4 chairs - all together for $100. You need to take them all. I am not selling only some of them. Please see pictures. If interested, please call at 9338 0506. "

Get that everyone? You need to take all of them. Not just some of the stuff he wants to get rid of. All of it. And he'd like $100 for that please. Oh yes siree.

Tonight I have organised for three of the five people we know to come to a pub quiz. My plan ladies and gentlemen, my plan. I am almost dizzy with the social excitement promised. At the moment my socialization includes sellers on ebay and the (very lovely) man who comes to make tidy the room. (He really is very nice but speaks very little English, so we just beam at each other).

In a moment of crazed loneliness I though I'd follow through on someone's suggestion to take a look at the classifieds section on craigslist where a couple of people had suggested friends were to be had. I thought, I'm not to proud to put myself out there. Other people must be in the same situation. So I followed through the link choosing the 'strictly platonic' choices as I went along and clicking on the disclaimer stating that I was definitely after nothing more than friendship. And this is what I found...


"Cuddle? :) - m4w - 17 (Singapore)

Who's up for a nice night in at home on a weekend with just some cuddling, along with maybe a drink or two, and a nice movie?

I'm a younger Canadian-Mixed guy, and yes, I am 17. I go out partying just about with friends often, but sometimes I'm in the mood to just chill somewhere instead - so I guess there isn't much harm in finding somebody new.

Your age/race/etc. really doesn't matter - just hit me up with a reply and we'll see how things go from there. :) "

"Exploring... - m4w - 32 (Nowhere but Singapore)

Having a random whimsical moment so thought i would try this... looking for a date this week friday....wine and dine, conversations, etc, etc...the possibilties are endless.... if you think that you might be up for it, do drop me a line. I am going to sound a little selfish but i would like to do this random date without any pic exchange...so it will just be a literally blind date for both...So of you think you are up for such an adventure, drop me a note.. One thing i can assure you is my head is definitely covered with a large amount of real hair, a great set of pearly whites to go with the smile and definitely no ugly duckling to summarise.. :)

So if you think that your curiosity has been pricked, do drop me a note.....and do not worry, no cats are going to be sacrificed.... =P"

"Brieffreunde? - m4mw - 32 (Singapore)

Hallo,
wie geht's? Ich bin seit 2007 in Singapur und hab eigentlich keine Change deutsch zusprechen oder zu schreiben. Es wäre schön jemanden in Singapur zu haben zum schreiben und reden.

LG "

Okay to be fair I have absolutely no idea what that last one said, but I'm guessing it wasn't 'strictly platonic'. Answers on a postcard.

I do rather enjoy the writing style.  'Having a random whimisical moment'. Bless him. On a dirty ad. A 'random whimsical moment'. There's the same light touch about the adverts on Groupon which in the UK are very much 'Get a massage worth £150 for £35'.  This is what you get from Groupon Singapore...

"Aside from knocking out potential mates with large clubs, burdened cavemen hunted for relaxation and hid their scent with perfumed oils, warm stones and shoulder rolls when their mates regained consciousness. Embrace timeless techniques with today's Groupon: for $38, you get a 60 minute Scentsational Aromatherapy Full Body Massage at Spa Esprit (worth $110)."

Good, eh? And Finally....


Outdoor air conditioning


As seen in a lift. Watch out. Be careful where you choose to urinate!


And clearly what I aspire too....

That's all folks.

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